Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast:
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (email@example.com)
[Setting: An Futuristic House: Dining Room]
- Mark- Father
- Bruce- Boy
- Dave- Mother
[We open on a shot of the rocket, above a strange planet.]
[Cut to: The Dining Room. Bruce and Mark stand back to back. They both have weird futuristic hair cuts and wear futuristic clothing. Bruce is in light green tights and a short robe. Mark in a dark maroon long robe, and has an "Amish" beard, no moustache.]
Bruce: Father? May I break the silence?
Mark: [amused] Impetuous youth, you already have! [chuckles] Continue.
Bruce: I am almost too excited to eat! I want my gifts!
[Bruce moves to a tree that sits in the corner. It is festivally decorated and several wrapped boxes lie under it. He picks one up and shakes it.]
Mark: Hmm.. Eat first. Greed is good but gravy is better. Besides, your mother has been slaving away all day over a hot enuculator.
[Dave enters, dressed in a similar, feminine manner in orange futuristic clothing.]
Dave: Well, I hope all this breaking of the silence hasn't spoiled your appetite.
Bruce: No. This is going to be the best Bellini Day ever!
Mark: Come family. Let us say prayers.
[The three join hands and we get a close up of each one. Bruce looks impatient. Mark looks constipated. Dave looks bored. After a few seconds, Mark let's go of their hands.]
Bruce: Father? When we say prayers why is it we never speak?
Mark: We do not speak, because Bellini never spoke.
Bruce: Is that why too, after a shower, we wear a towel?
[Dave and Mark look at each other and laugh. Bruce laughs too, saying "Ha ho. Ha Ho."]
Dave: Oh no, young Boy-Who-One-Day-Will-Become-A-Man. After a shower, we wear a towel, because we are wet.
Bruce: But Bellini wore a towel!
Mark: Yes. He wore it with gusto.
Dave: He wore it around his waist.
Bruce: [jumps up and runs to his gifts] I am too excited! I want my gifts! I want my Bellini Day gifts! I want my scewbulator!
Mark: You are out of line! You're not respecting the customs of Bellini day.
Bruce: Did I not go caroling disco tunes of Earth?
Mark: Yes, but....
Bruce: Did I not drink Bellini's favorite beverage for breakfast; buttermilk?
Mark: Yes! Now sit down and eat of the traditional trout!
Dave: Yes! I made a very fine trout gravy this year young man!
Bruce: [starts to shake box] No! I want my gifts! Gimmie. Gimmie. Gimmie! Gimmie!
Mark: [leaning over to Dave] Go back to the vacuum chamber and drink cooking sherry. I will handle this.
[Dave exits as Mark moves to Bruce.]
Mark: Son. You are getting older and you have learned many things...
Bruce: [cutting Mark off] Yes. I have learned how to travel through my girlfriend's bloodstream on a small raft and stop and sleep in her heart.
Mark: [nods] And of that I am proud....
Bruce: [cutting Mark off again] I have learned how to break the silence...
Mark: SILENCE! [Bruce quiets] It is time that you learn the true meaning of Bellini Day. Sit you down. [Bruce sits as Mark picks up a big black book with the title "The Story of Bellini"] Now listen. Many years ago, before what our elders call The Big Traffic Jam..
Bruce: Is this in the old days, when people still put ice in their drinks and believed in someone named God?
Mark: [laughs] Yes. I know it sounds ridiculous, but there was a time when people were so stupid they believed in a man called God.
Bruce: It's hard to imagine people actually being that stupid.
Mark: Oh, they must have been incredibly stupid! [laughs]
Mark: [turning serious again] But in that time there walked upon the Earth the man named Bellini, who lived in a one bedroom apartment.
[We cut to a view of the book, which is in a pop-up format as Mark speaks in voice over. We see Bellini in his towel, standing in a majestic one-bedroom apartment]
Mark: Bellini walked around smiling and he loved elevator music.
[We here some light elevator music play in the background as we focus on an image in the book of Belinni standing in an empty parking lot.]
Mark: Now, one day as he was walking to the store to get a jar of buttermilk, He paused to gaze at the majesty of an empty parking lot. He looked up to see a rock.
Bruce: But rocks fall so slowly?
Mark: Well, they fell faster then... gravity was better.
Bruce: Did Bellini move out of the way? Or did He scuttle hurried?
Mark: No. Bellini just stood there.
Bruce: I would have scuttled hurried.
Mark: Yes. But you are not Bellini.
Mark: Yes. You see, to rush or to wear a watch would have been foreign to Bellini. Thusly, he was struck by the rock and died standing there.
[We cut to the book as Mark speaks, and Bruce pulls a tab that brings a rock down over the picture book Bellini, effectively crushing him.]
Bruce: Is this why we now bury people standing up?
Mark: No, we bury people standing up because we have run out of room. But you must understand that in that parking lot where Bellini died, a buttermilk tree sprouted!
[Bruce turns the page and we see the same lot, with a tree having growned on the spot Bellini stood as he died.]
Mark: They cut it down, because it WAS a parking lot.
[Bruce pulls the tab and the tree collapses.]
Mark: But what Bellini taught us that day by being crushed by a large rock was to find beauty in the banal, for it is everywhere.
Bruce: Wow! Bellini was a prophet!
[Bruce turns the page and we see an image of Bellini looking down from heaven.]
Mark: And God was a ridiculous stupid sham. [laughs]
Bruce: I took Bellini for granted!
Mark: According to The Book, so did His landlord.
[Dave re-enters, carrying a pillow with three ceremonial looking sticks on them. Mark and Bruce each take one.]
Dave: Now do you still want to open your gifts? Scuttle hurried as Bellini never would?
Bruce: No, mother. I now understand the true meaning of Bellini Day.
[Dave sighs happily.]
Mark: [nods proudly] Well. Let us now poke Bellini.
[Dave sits and the lights dim. A disco ball effect spreads light around the room as a hologram of Bellini appears in the middle of the table. The three start to poke the hologram with the sticks, laughing all the way.]
Mark: See how jolly his belly is?
Bruce: This is going to be the best Bellini Day ever!
Mark: [laughs] Yes, it is!