Bellini Day

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (
Cast: [Setting: An Futuristic House: Dining Room]

[We open on a shot of the rocket, above a strange planet.]

[Cut to: The Dining Room. Bruce and Mark stand back to back. They both have weird futuristic hair cuts and wear futuristic clothing. Bruce is in light green tights and a short robe. Mark in a dark maroon long robe, and has an "Amish" beard, no moustache.]

Bruce: Father? May I break the silence?

Mark: [amused] Impetuous youth, you already have! [chuckles] Continue.

Bruce: I am almost too excited to eat! I want my gifts!

[Bruce moves to a tree that sits in the corner. It is festivally decorated and several wrapped boxes lie under it. He picks one up and shakes it.]

Mark: Hmm.. Eat first. Greed is good but gravy is better. Besides, your mother has been slaving away all day over a hot enuculator.

[Dave enters, dressed in a similar, feminine manner in orange futuristic clothing.]

Dave: Well, I hope all this breaking of the silence hasn't spoiled your appetite.

Bruce: No. This is going to be the best Bellini Day ever!

Mark: Come family. Let us say prayers.

[The three join hands and we get a close up of each one. Bruce looks impatient. Mark looks constipated. Dave looks bored. After a few seconds, Mark let's go of their hands.]

Mark: Enough.

Bruce: Father? When we say prayers why is it we never speak?

Mark: We do not speak, because Bellini never spoke.

Bruce: Is that why too, after a shower, we wear a towel?

[Dave and Mark look at each other and laugh. Bruce laughs too, saying "Ha ho. Ha Ho."]

Dave: Oh no, young Boy-Who-One-Day-Will-Become-A-Man. After a shower, we wear a towel, because we are wet.

Bruce: But Bellini wore a towel!

Mark: Yes. He wore it with gusto.

Dave: He wore it around his waist.

Bruce: [jumps up and runs to his gifts] I am too excited! I want my gifts! I want my Bellini Day gifts! I want my scewbulator!

Mark: You are out of line! You're not respecting the customs of Bellini day.

Bruce: Did I not go caroling disco tunes of Earth?

Mark: Yes, but....

Bruce: Did I not drink Bellini's favorite beverage for breakfast; buttermilk?

Mark: Yes! Now sit down and eat of the traditional trout!

Dave: Yes! I made a very fine trout gravy this year young man!

Bruce: [starts to shake box] No! I want my gifts! Gimmie. Gimmie. Gimmie! Gimmie!

Mark: [leaning over to Dave] Go back to the vacuum chamber and drink cooking sherry. I will handle this.

[Dave exits as Mark moves to Bruce.]

Mark: Son. You are getting older and you have learned many things...

Bruce: [cutting Mark off] Yes. I have learned how to travel through my girlfriend's bloodstream on a small raft and stop and sleep in her heart.

Mark: [nods] And of that I am proud....

Bruce: [cutting Mark off again] I have learned how to break the silence...

Mark: SILENCE! [Bruce quiets] It is time that you learn the true meaning of Bellini Day. Sit you down. [Bruce sits as Mark picks up a big black book with the title "The Story of Bellini"] Now listen. Many years ago, before what our elders call The Big Traffic Jam..

Bruce: Is this in the old days, when people still put ice in their drinks and believed in someone named God?

Mark: [laughs] Yes. I know it sounds ridiculous, but there was a time when people were so stupid they believed in a man called God.

Bruce: It's hard to imagine people actually being that stupid.

Mark: Oh, they must have been incredibly stupid! [laughs]

Bruce: Stupid.

Mark: [turning serious again] But in that time there walked upon the Earth the man named Bellini, who lived in a one bedroom apartment.

[We cut to a view of the book, which is in a pop-up format as Mark speaks in voice over. We see Bellini in his towel, standing in a majestic one-bedroom apartment]

Mark: Bellini walked around smiling and he loved elevator music.

[We here some light elevator music play in the background as we focus on an image in the book of Belinni standing in an empty parking lot.]

Mark: Now, one day as he was walking to the store to get a jar of buttermilk, He paused to gaze at the majesty of an empty parking lot. He looked up to see a rock.

Bruce: But rocks fall so slowly?

Mark: Well, they fell faster then... gravity was better.

Bruce: Did Bellini move out of the way? Or did He scuttle hurried?

Mark: No. Bellini just stood there.

Bruce: I would have scuttled hurried.

Mark: Yes. But you are not Bellini.

Bruce: Sadly.

Mark: Yes. You see, to rush or to wear a watch would have been foreign to Bellini. Thusly, he was struck by the rock and died standing there.

[We cut to the book as Mark speaks, and Bruce pulls a tab that brings a rock down over the picture book Bellini, effectively crushing him.]

Bruce: Is this why we now bury people standing up?

Mark: No, we bury people standing up because we have run out of room. But you must understand that in that parking lot where Bellini died, a buttermilk tree sprouted!

[Bruce turns the page and we see the same lot, with a tree having growned on the spot Bellini stood as he died.]

Mark: They cut it down, because it WAS a parking lot.

[Bruce pulls the tab and the tree collapses.]

Mark: But what Bellini taught us that day by being crushed by a large rock was to find beauty in the banal, for it is everywhere.

Bruce: Wow! Bellini was a prophet!

[Bruce turns the page and we see an image of Bellini looking down from heaven.]

Mark: And God was a ridiculous stupid sham. [laughs]

Bruce: I took Bellini for granted!

Mark: According to The Book, so did His landlord.

[Dave re-enters, carrying a pillow with three ceremonial looking sticks on them. Mark and Bruce each take one.]

Dave: Now do you still want to open your gifts? Scuttle hurried as Bellini never would?

Bruce: No, mother. I now understand the true meaning of Bellini Day.

[Dave sighs happily.]

Mark: [nods proudly] Well. Let us now poke Bellini.

[Dave sits and the lights dim. A disco ball effect spreads light around the room as a hologram of Bellini appears in the middle of the table. The three start to poke the hologram with the sticks, laughing all the way.]

Mark: See how jolly his belly is?

Bruce: This is going to be the best Bellini Day ever!

Mark: [laughs] Yes, it is!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video