Small Talk In Bed

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (

[Setting: A Bedroom. Scott and Dave are both reading in bed, reading separate copies of the same book... Memoires.]

[Scott leans back thoughtfully.]

Scott: You know, honey? I feel a sense of emptiness inside, since the hazardous waste people came and took away those old paint cans.

Dave: Hmmm.

Scott: Yeah. I've been thinking about them. Been taken away for weeks, you know? And now they're gone.

Dave: And you feel you've crashed?

Scott: Yeah.

Dave: Um-hmm.

Scott: Yeah. You know, I think my testosterone level must be very low.

Dave: [hesitates] Oh, I don't think that.

Scott: No? [grins for a second] You know honey? I think about garbage day, all week? Oh yeah. I dream about those bright orange bags... resplendent if you will.... Perched in front of the house like that. Yeah.

Dave: We're the only ones in the neighborhood that use the orange bags.

Scott: Oh yeah... I know that. But how long do you think that's going to last? I mean, someone in the neighborhood is bound to catch on. I mean, you can get those bags anywhere now.

Dave: Um-hmm.

Scott: Hmm.. [pauses] We've never had multiple orgasms.

Dave: [pauses] We're not multiple-orgasm people.

Scott: [laughs] You think, honey, that may be we were and somehow we got blocked up? Or you think maybe we were just constructed that way?

Dave: Hmmm.. Well, we could get tapes. Video tapes.

Scott: Oh geez...[laughs] you mean.. SEXUAL tapes?

Dave: Um-hmm.

Scott: Well... [laughs] No. You know, I think I need to be alone with a cougar or something. Yeah.. know.. just him or me.

Dave: Well, you'll need your rest then.

Scott: True. That's true. [Scott leans over as if to sleep] I think I've lost interest in muffins.

Dave: You have not lost interest in muffins.

Scott: No?

Dave: You had one muffin that you didn't enjoy.

Scott: Yeah. Oh yeah, I guess you're right. I guess I'll just take it one muffin at a time.

Dave: Umm-hmm.

[Dave rolls over to sleep and dims the light a bit.]

Scott: Can't help thinking about those paint cans, though. I just keep seeing them in my head, you know? I really wanted them gone and now that they're gone I feel empty. [starts to sob a bit on the last few words]

Dave: We could THINK about those tapes.

Scott: [pauses] Yeah.. okay... Goodnight.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video