The Beard

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (

[Scene: A beach. Donald (Kevin) stands holding a fish. He wears a loud Hawaiian shirt has several days of beard growth]

Kevin: Ha-ha, fish! You met your match today, fish! Man: 1. Fish: Zero. Sucker! Thanks a lot partner.

[Kevin hands the fish to a young man and walks past a sign that reads. "Rent The Fish: $5 Per Photo" as he walks to greet Bruce.]

Bruce: Oh, Don. You're so full of beans today!

Kevin: I feel great! You know, I think I might grow a beard.

Bruce: Noooooooo.

Kevin: Well, why not? I'm at the height of my vacation. It might look good....

Bruce: You're so bean-filled!

[Cut to Kevin exiting a shower, some days later. He now has a full beard.]

[Kevin looks at himself in the mirror and is stroking his beard admiringly when Bruce enters]

Bruce: Time for Work. Better shave it off.

Kevin: [turning suddenly and speaking eerily calm] No. The beard stays, you go!

[Bruce looks at Kevin in disbelief until Kevin starts laughing. He laughs along with Kevin, looking visibly relieved. He leaves and Kevin laughs a few more seconds and then turns just as suddenly back to the mirror and starts admiring it again, eyes bugging out as dramatic music plays.]

Kevin: The beard stays.....

[Cut to a board room. Nina (Mark) is giving a presentation. Kevin sits at the head of the table opposite Nina]

Mark: Right. Now, a company's logo is their calling card to the world. And don't we all know how the world can suck some days? [laughs fakely]

[As she speaks we close in on Kevin, who is turned away from the others, stroking his beard and smiling. As Mark stops laughing he spins around in his chair to face everyone.]

Mark: Anyway, what we're trying to do here is....

Kevin:[slapping his hands down on the table] Man, I feel great!

Mark: What?

Kevin:[standing] Sorry to interrupt Nina but... [doing a swimming dance] yoo-ba-boo-ba-boo-ba. I know it's only 10 am, but I think I'm going to get me a couple of steaks and some brewskies! [swims out the door continuing his strange chant. As the man talk, we see Kevin through the glass window. He dances one way down the hall and then comes back the other dancing with some woman]

Man1: He's full of energy.

Man2: I guess he still thinks he's on vacation.

Man1: He should shave that beard off.

Man2: He looks like a kid with that beard.

Mark: Yeah, and did you hear about the big fish he caught? [fake laughs] Really.

[Cut to Donald's House. Night. We see a table with various beer bottles and He's watching some movie with a girl in a swimming pool. He is drinking from a bottle of some kind of dry beer than stands on a table with several other bottles and the framed picture of him with the fish.]

[Kevin watches the movie, moaning and giggling to himself and stroking his beard. He starts to go faster and faster, sounding not unlike he's aroused until the lights come on.]

Bruce: Don?!

[Kevin turns the TV off and turns around the chair.]

Kevin: What? Nothing! I was doing nothing! I was doing nothing...

[Bruce looks at him in disbelief and turns to go upstairs. He freezes as he hears Kevin sit back down, and start rubbing the beard again, muttering to it.]

Kevin: Shh--shhh... it's okay, it's okay.... shh-shhh. come on, baby.. shh-shhh-shhhhh. etc.

[Cut back to the office. Some days later. Kevin comes in wearing nothing but a swimsuit. He holds a portable radio on his shoulder and walks to the beat, dancing a bit.]

Kevin: You can drive to Ft. Lauderdale in 37 hours!

Man2: Really?

Kevin: Yeah! You just gotta to stock up on the burritos!

Mark: [walks up] Umm.. Donald? Um, I found your glasses in the boardroom.

Kevin:[laughs] I don't need them any more!

Mark: What?

Kevin: Don't you get it?!?! My eyesight's getting better! I'm getting better.

[Kevin turns off the radio and does various muscle man poses. to Mark's horror]

Mark: Oh, Donald!

[Cut to the bathroom. We hear the noise of a thunderstorm in the back and see the lightning crashes. Kevin is looking at himself in the mirror.]

[With a great effort, Kevin opens the cabinet behind the mirror and pulls out an electric shaver. He just turns it on as Bruce comes in.]

Bruce: Donny, what's wrong?

Kevin: [trying to be calm] We're fine.

Bruce: We?

Kevin: [turning suddenly] Silence, you old skank!

Bruce: [outraged] Well, I'm certainly not a skank!

[Kevin looks at the shaver and winds up tossing it against the wall, breaking it]

[Cut back to the office. Donald is in his cubical. His hair now looks longer and the beard thicker. He stands over a broken chair.]

Kevin: [panting and growling like wolfman] I don't know if it's my strength but this chair keeps... breaking!

Man1:[looking over cubicle wall. What's wrong with your voice, Donald?

Kevin: Nothing... my, uh.. beard's a little too tight.. that's all.

[Kevin begins to vigorously scratch at the beard]

Kevin: Can't breathe..... can't breathe....!!!!!.

[Kevin screams and we see a shot of him running down a hallway full of people screaming various gibberish with the occasional "Get if off me!" Eventually he reaches the end of the hall way and jumps over a railing landing in the foyer on the ground floor. A crowd gather around him. We go to a shot of the crowd which, a while later, Bruce is pushing his way through.]

Bruce: Excuse me.... excuse me.... excuse me.... I came as soon as I... [gasp]

[We see a doctor (Dave) tending to Kevin, who has a sheet over his face]

Bruce: ...heard?

Dave: What you're about to see... may... terrify you.

[Dave moves the sheet off of Kevin to reveal.... The Beard is Gone!]

Bruce: [gaps] The BEARD! AIIIIIIIIE! [his hands move to his head as he pauses... and then screams again.] AIIIIIIIIIIIIE!

[Cut back to the Beach where we see Scott. Another man at the Rent-The-Fish booth. He also is in a tacky Hawaiian shirt and also has several days of beard growth]

Scott: Ha-ha-ha! It was the fight of my life, huh? You bugger! But I got you didn't I, huh? Ha-ha!

[Scott poses for the camera and looks to someone off camera]

Scott: You, know? I think I might grow a beard Ahhhhh-haa-haaa!

[End with Dramatic "Psycho" music as we move in with accompanying camera "clicks" to a close-up view of Scott's stubbly face.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video