The Agents: Last Call

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: handi@interlog.com
Cast: [Mark and Scott kiss a girl on the cheek in a restaurant as a reporter takes a picture]

Mark: Hey kid, how are you enjoying your newfound fame, huh?

Girl: I feel like I'm drowning.

Scott: Eh, she's kidding, she's loving it.

Girl: But people hate me.

Mark: Hey, hey, hey! Come on! You're a big movie star with a big hit film. Don't worry your head about those death threats, come on.

Scott: Come on! You know, it's a controversial movie and controversy sells tickets.

Mark: Exactly. Look, in your next film we'll get you playing a singing nun or a dolphin trainer and the fans will love it. Really.

Girl: Ok.

Mark and Scott: Ok?

Mark: Goodnight. We love you.

Girl: [leaving] Goodnight.

Scott: Goodnight. Take care. Good kid, eh?

Mark: God, I'm glad that's over. [sitting at table]

Scott: Yeah, me too.

Mark: Oh! Do you want another drink?

Scott: Hey, do you have to ask?

Mark: Ok. Uh, waiter, two bourbons please, with ice.

Kevin: Uh, sorry sirs, last call was an hour ago.

Scott: Wha? Huh? Hey, uh, buddy, nobody told us.

Kevin: I told you.

Mark: Oh come on kid, you were joking. Get us a drink.

Kevin: Sir, I never joke when it comes to last call.

Scott: Come on! Get us a drink! Do you know who we are?

Kevin: I'm sorry sir, I can't. It's past last call.

Mark: Hey! Where are we? Nazi, Germany?

Scott: Hey what are we? In a concentration camp?

Kevin: I'm sorry sir, I can't. If I do, we might lose our liquor license.

Mark: [standing up] What the hell?

Scott: Greg, cool, it. Hey, come on. Take it easy.

Mark: Well he crapped on my religion.

Scott: Hey, I know, but cool it. You're going to lose it. [standing up] So what is it that you want? You want money? Huh? Is that what you want? You want, what you do want? [pulls out wallet and outs bills on the table] You want a hundred, you want two hundred? You want three hundred? You want four hundred-

Kevin: Sir, I don't want your money.

Scott: What? This guy seem snippy to you?

Mark: Oh yeah. Very snippy.

Scott: Yeah. I think he's a snippy little fag.

Mark: Yeah, of course Brett, this is it. He's a fag. He wants to get to the bathes. Make him a deal.

Scott: Ok. I'll cut you a deal. O.K. kid, you get us a little drinky-winky and we'll buy you a guy with a shlong like this, huh?

Kevin: Sir, I am not gay.

Mark: What?

Scott: What?

Mark: Ok. I'm getting sick of this. Show him the Ace Award. Come on.

[Scott pulls out an Ace award, both of them motion towards it]

Scott: Two bourbons with ice.

Mark: Yes. Please.

Kevin: [shakes his head]

Mark: What?

Scott: What?

Mark: The Ace didn't do it?

Scott: The Ace didn't do it?

Mark: Hey! What city are we in? Did we move? Is this not LA?

Scott: Hey! Where are we, To-ron-to? [they both laugh]

Scott: You're fired.

Mark: Yeah.

Kevin: You can't fire me.

Mark: Hey, hey, hey, yes we can. Murray Braverman owns several hotels in Las Vegas, bought his six-year-old son shares in this here restaurant, one call to Murray jr. and your ass is out of here. Now get us some drinks.

Kevin: Yeah, well, I'll take my chances. Now would you leave? I've got to clear this place up for tomorrow.

Scott: Oh. Brett, we've lost it.

Mark: What? The kid broke us?

Scott: The kid broke us. The kid broke us. I can't believe it. Streisand didn't beak us but the kid broke us.

Mark: Well I guess that's the way it works out. One day you're hot, the next day you're crap on someone else's shoes.

Scott: Oh yeah. That's the way it went down for Larry Silvers, CFA. Did you hear?

Mark: What?

Scott: Larry Silvers, CFA.

Mark: Yeah.

Scott: One day he's a big agent making an art picture. You know, it bombs. You know, he goes home to think, regroup.

Mark: Uh-huh?

Scott: His kids kill him.

Mark: What?

Scott: His own kids!

Mark: Why?

Scott: Ahh...they didn't recognize him.

Mark: Oh.

Scott: You'll see. It'll be a big TV movie of the week.

Mark: Wait.

Scott: What?

Mark: What?

Scott: What?

Mark: Duh. Hey kid. You an actor?

Kevin: I dabble.

Mark and Scott: Ha!

Kevin: But in the theater.

Mark and Scott: The theater! [they laugh]

Mark: Don't be a schmuck! Get in the movies. [throws down a script]

Kevin: I don't wanna do your kind of crap. I wanna do stuff with integrity, vision, that have something important to say.

Mark and Scott: Ohhh...

Scott: So you wanna produce.

Mark: Ok. [pulls out a cell phone] Hello, Leo? Brett Sudelman here. Come on, wake up! We're ready to do that thing but we want you to finance a low budget indie picture for a hot new young producer. What? What do you mean has he produced before? No! But that'll make two of you. His name? What's your name, kid?

Kevin: Jeremy Flood.

Mark: Jeremy Flood. He's hot, he's creative, he's got talent, a lot of integrity. Ok Monday morning, right. [hangs up] There, now you're producing.

Scott: Hey. You're in. Ok. Now get us some drinks.

Kevin: Sure!

Mark: Hey, hey, wait, wait. What are you doing?

Kevin: Getting you drinks. Two bourbons, right?

Mark: No, no, no. You're a producer now. You don't get us drinks. We get you drinks. Sit down. Come on over here.

Scott: You just park your keister down there and tell me every idea you have in that little mind.

Kevin: Well, I have one idea I call "Grapes".

Scott: Grapes? I love it.

Mark: Hey, hey, kid, get back here. I can't find the ice. Come on. Does he have any ideas?

Scott: Yeah. He's got one for a movie called "Grapes."

Mark: "Grapes?" I hate the title.

Scott: Change it.

Mark: Tanks.

Scott: I love it.

Mark: Do you like it?


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video