Steps: 555-JERK

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: I
Cast: [Scott and Dave are talking on the phone.]

Dave: So, you're not going out tonight?

Scott: No, I'm really tired, eh? I'm just going to stay home, watch t.v., smoke a joint. You know, I was at the Cellar until 4 o'clock last night, did coke, I'm beat.

Dave: Okay, let's go out to the gay Latin bar tomorrow night, okay?

Scott: Oh yeah, I hear it's really hot!

Dave: Mm-Hmm.

Scott: That's a good idea. Oh, I gotta go, I got another call coming.

Dave: Okay, bye-bye Butch.

Scott: Okay, Bye. Hello?

Kevin: Hi Butch, it's me.

Scott: Oh, Hi Smitty. Whatcha doing?

Kevin: Nothing. Are you going out?

Scott: No, I'm really tired. I'm just going to stay in, watch t.v., smoke a joint.

Kevin: I'm pretty tired, too. Renovations. Think I`ll just stay in.

Scott: Okay, great idea.

Kevin: Talk to you later. Night.

Scott: Okay, night.

[They hang up. Scott looks through a newspaper, finds 555-JERK and calls.]

Scott: 555-JERK? Oh, I get it. 555-5375. That's easy.

Voice on phone: Welcome to 555-JERK, the sex service where you get to jerk with other jerks. Press 1 to record a hot voice message for other hot guys to peruse as they cruise the system.

[Scott presses 1.]

Scott: Uh, really hot blond guy, very versatile, top and bottom, very very hot and very very hung. Looking for other hot guys into hot phone talk.

Voice on phone: Your message has been accepted. For live connections, press 1.

[Scott presses 1.]

Voice on phone: You are now being connected. Get ready to meet the hottest guys in cyber space.

Scott: Hello?

Kevin: Hey. My name is the Raven. Are you ready to party?

Scott: Yeah, Raven. You sound really hot. What do you look like?

[Split screen to reveal that The Raven is Kevin.]

Kevin: Well, I'm 21, blond, blue eyes, smooth swimmer's build, 8 inches, cut of course, one sweet ass, and really muscular legs. A lot of people think I'm in movies, but I'm not. So, what do you look like?

Scott: Well, a lot of people think I'm in the movies too, but porn, eh? You sound really hot. Why don't you come over?

Kevin: Sure. Where do you live?

Scott: 105 Isabella, Apt. 305.

Kevin: Oh, I have a friend who lives at 10.... !!

[Smitty hangs up.]

Scott: Hello? Hello? Hello? Raven? Raven? Wow, what attitude!

Voice on phone: You have another caller. Press 3 to access the voice message.

[Scott presses 3.]

Dave: [as Voice message] Bon Jour, mon amour. Je suis tres ? ce soir. Call me if you want a hot time with a really hot Quebecois stud lover.

Scott: Wow, French!

Dave: [as Voice Message] Press 2 to connect live with this caller.

[split screen to reveal that French stud lover is Dave]

Dave: `ello?

Scott: Hello?Are you French?

Dave: Yes, my name is Roland. Are you `ot?

Scott: Yeah, I'm hot, Roland.So Roland, what are you into?

Dave: I'm into French kissing, frotage fromage et soixante neuf.

Scott: What? What? Six eggs?

Dave: Oo, I like your forceful tone. You are so, how do you say in Englais? Butch?

Scott: Hey! That's my name. Butch!

Dave: I know, you see, I am also psychic!

Scott: Wow, far out!

Dave: Yes, I am getting a vision of you lying on a tiger skin rug.

Scott: Wow. That's me. Wow!

Dave: And I also sense that you have very incredible, brilliant, very hot friends.

Scott: No.

Dave: Yes, you have very hot, brilliant friends and they say that you're a real slut and you're really into poppers.

Scott: Hey! What happened to your accent? Riley?

Dave: Yes.

Scott: Oh! Hey! How did you know it was me?

Dave: Well,I recognized your voice right away, you idiot.

Scott: Oh, wow! You are too much!

Dave: Oh oh, Butch. I gotta go. I got another call. Somebody real.

Scott: Yeah, I got another call, too. Talk to you tomorrow. Oh, wow. Hello?

Kevin: Hey, it's The Raven again. Sorry about disconnecting before. Look, I'm under house arrest but there's no reason why we can't talk.

Scott: So, The Raven, what are you into?

Kevin: Well, I'm into........Vincent Price movies and shiny things.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video