A Whole Lotta Kids in the Hall

<< back to previous page

Scott: Politically Incorrect (January 30, 1998)

Guests on this program were:

Robert Goulet
Scott Thompson
Garcelle Beauvais
Doug McIntyre

Bill's Intro-

[Bill plays Jerry Springer. Florence Henderson is Hillary Clinton and Sarah Silverman is Monica Lewinsky.]

[Crowd chanting "Jerry!"]

Bill: Thank you very much. I'm Jerry Springer. And if you're watching me, you're just as guilty as I am.


My first guest had a healthy, happy marriage of convenience. And then it all went terribly wrong. Please welcome Hillary.

[cheers and applause]

Florence: Jerry, Jerry, let me tell you, it was sweet. And then it all went terribly wrong.

Bill: Yeah, we've established that. Let's move along to the swearing and the fistfights.


Florence: Okay. Let me tell you what happened. I guess the easiest thing would be to blame it all on some sort of vast, right wing conspiracy.


But that would be lame.


No one would be stupid enough to believe that.

Bill: So what was it, really?

Florence: Really, Jerry? It was the bitch.

[cheers and applause]

Bill: That's better.

Florence: Yes. This hinge-kneed low-cut-dress-wearing baby-fatty phone-sexing psycho-valley [bleep] slut intern [bleep]!

[cheers and applause]

Bill: So, Hillary, you're saying that your husband's intern is taking more than just dictation?

Florence: Oh, you are so right, Jerry. She's supposed to deliver the mail, but she's been licking more than the stamp.

[cheers and applause]

Well, Jerry, I'm at home, I'm tending to the subpoenas. I'm slaving over a hot shredder.


I'll be [bleep] if I'll let some 9021-ho scoop my man.

[cheers and applause]

You know, Jerry, I'm gonna knock that [bleep] out.

[cheers and applause]

Bill: Well, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, please. We certainly don't want any violence. Let's bring her out! Monica!



Florence: Sit down! Sit down, ho! Sit down! Sit down, [bleep] ho! Aw, you ho, sit down.

[cheers and applause]

Bill: Monica, you've been with Hillary's man for almost two years off and on.

Sarah: That's right, Jerry. If he loves her, then how come he's always comin' back to me, calling me, giving me presents? And this dress? And those ashtrays and those, um, square paper things with the, um with the paper and the words on it?


Bill: Books?

Sarah: Yeah, books.

[laughter and applause]

He doesn't love her, he loves me.

Florence: You drama teacher [bleep] ho!

Sarah: Frigid [bleep].

Florence: Oh, yeah? Well, how come he always comes back to me? Answer me that, Ms. Kneepads!


Get out of my way!

Bill: Ladies, please, please.


Please. Hillary, let me ask you this. When you found out--

Florence: Jerry! Don't interrupt. And don't interrupt, Jerry Springer. [ Bleep ] [bleep] [bleep].

[cheers and boos]

Bill: Hillary--

Florence: So pathetic.

Bill: Let me ask you this. When you found out that your husband was having sex with this woman and pretty much every woman--

Florence: Yeah?

Bill: How did you feel? Did you feel hurt? Did you feel betrayed? Relieved?

Sarah: She doesn't care! A man doesn't stray if a woman's any good in the hay.

Florence: Oh, yeah? You want a piece of this, [bleep]?

[cheers and applause]

[multiple bleeps]

[cheers and applause]

Bill: You know, I've been around a bit, and if I've learned one thing it's that love is the greatest gift of all and that you really don't know a man until you've spent time under his desk and that you'd be surprised what people will do to get on TV, and also, never try to pay a prostitute with a check. Take care of yourself, and good night, ladies and gentlemen!


[ Applause ]


Panel Discussion-

Bill: All right. Thank you very much. Let's meet our panel. He's the executive producer of "Mike Hammer, Private Eye"-- Doug McIntyre. There's Doug. Our friend, how are you?


He's an actor, comedian, "Kid in the Hall" and one of the stars of "The Larry Sanders Show," our long-time companion, Scott Thompson.


How are you, buddy?

Scott: Good.


Bill: She's an actress and model who plays Fancy Monroe on "The Jamie Foxx show"-- Garcelle Beauvais. Hello, beautiful.

Garcelle: Hi, how are you?

Bill: Thank you for being here. I appreciate it.

Garcelle: No problem.

Bill: He is an actor and singer and the star of stage and screen. He's won a Tony, a Grammy, and recorded more than 60 albums. He's my mother's boyfriend, Robert Goulet.


Robert: Thank you so much.

Bill: All right, first of all, I want to thank Sarah Silverman and the incomparable Florence Henderson for their work in that sketch.

Garcelle: That was great.

Bill: Because they--

Garcelle: That was great.


Bill: They got down to quite a little cat fight there. Okay.

Doug: I've known Florence for 20 years and she hasn't changed.


Bill: I know. Mrs. Brady is wild and people don't know it. But let me ask you this about-- 'cause obviously, we're going to talk a little bit about the President, but Jerry Springer's show, which our country has become--


Garcelle: Yeah.

Bill: Is the hot show now. It's beating "Oprah." What do you think of Jerry Springer and that show?

Doug: Well, you know, it's perfect for us because we have, we just need a goat on a rope out in front of the house.


I mean, our whole nation, we are a tabloid nation.

Bill: But do you blame, do you blame Jerry Springer? Does anybody think--

Garcelle: Well, I think if people didn't want to see it, then they wouldn't have the show. So, I think society has changed in that we want to see tabloid stuff. We want to see sensationalism. We want to see things that maybe we wouldn't say ourselves, but if somebody else is saying it, "Great, I'll watch."

Scott: But then, who did change it? I mean, how did it become that way? Do you know what I mean?

Garcelle: Yeah.

Scott: Something changed, so isn't Springer part of the thing that changed it?

Bill: Absolutely.

Garcelle: Oh, yeah absolutely. But we, the people, want it. 'Cause we're watching it.

Doug: Yes.

Scott: But why do you want it?

Robert: Well, the Romans wanted the games and the lions were there.

Bill: And they were right.

Scott: We stop to look at car wrecks on the freeway, we want to see body parts.

Garcelle: Yes, exactly.

Doug: We figured we wasted an hour in traffic. We feel robbed if we don't see the leg in the road. It's part of human nature.


Bill: Right.

Doug: Wrong? Well, it is. I mean, this is what we talk about politically incorrect. I mean, it's politically incorrect to say that. But there's a low--

Bill: Right. But I'm gonna say, "Where does-- I mean, people I hear all the time, and a lot of people who are not, you know, dumb people, watch this "Jerry Springer Show." They say, "I can't keep my eyes off it." I know what it is, but--

Robert: I have never seen it. Now, I understand there's some strange things going on it. Can you explain that to me?


Bill: Did you see the sketch we just did? That was--

Robert: Yeah that's part of it?

Bill: That's it. Every night, somebody is on, you know-- "This is my-- "My ho took my man."


And then they come out and they actually fight. They cold cock-- I mean, it's human cock fighting, Robert. That's what it is.


It is human cock fighting.

Garcelle: Yeah, yeah.

[laughter and applause]

Robert: Well, if I had known, I would have watched.


Scott: How come you can go on that show and you can smack someone but as soon as the cameras are off you'd be charged with assault? Do they sign a waiver? Or--

Bill: They must have an incredible waiver.

Doug: It must be like a NHL contract.

Scott: I see.

Doug: Beat the crap out of them and get three minutes.

Bill: But you know, hockey ratings went down when they tried to cut down on the fights. And they stopped doing that.

Doug: That's right.

Scott: That's true.

Doug: People watch auto racing, go away in two seconds if there wasn't the possibility of the car wreck.

Bill: So isn't Jerry Springer really the same as the paparazzi and drug pusher and the tobacco company? He's the guy who gives us the crap we want. But you have to look to yourselves and the people who are buying it.

Doug: But the real question is how did he become mayor of Cincinnati?


He was mayor of Cincinnati. Yeah. It's actually a great city, but that's what I can't-- how did they do that?

Bill: As we alluded to in the sketch, if you think Bill Clinton is indiscreet, this guy paid a prostitute by check. That's how we went down.

Scott: Oh!

Bill: Well that's not the only way it went down, but that's one of the ways.

Scott: By check.

Bill: I mean you use a credit card, am I right?


All right, we've got to take a commercial. We'll come right back.

[cheers and applause]

Bill: Okay, we were talking about the kind of country we are vis-a-vis Jerry Springer. And of course, Bill Clinton comes into the picture here because there might be a connection. Do you think that's possible, that we see this kind of Jerry Springer activity every night? And then we-- because people have been so accepting of this scandal. His new poll ratings are out, the highest ever.

Garcelle: Do you know who had the highest ever at one time?

Bill: Who?

Garcelle: Nixon.

Robert: Nixon.

Garcelle: Right before, yeah.

Bill: Well that was before his scandal.

Garcelle: Yeah.

Bill: This is after the scandal. 54% today said they think he had the affair. 60% said, "Don't investigate." 73% think he's doing a great job.

Robert: That's now?

Bill: That's right today.

Robert: Because they're getting bored with the entire situation. Aren't they? They're hearing it every day.

Bill: Yeah, well, but it is sensational. I think if he wasn't inoculated to this by having so many previous eruptions--


Garcelle: That's pardon the pun.

Bill: Right.

Scott: And did you also know that 90% want to know how big it is?


Doug: But 83% already know.


Scott: But you see-- you know, that's what I can't believe, that that hasn't come out yet. I mean, we know it's curved.

Bill: Yeah that's--

Scott: But that's all we know.

Garcelle: Yeah, we do know that.

Scott: So we know she's not an angle queen.


Bill: 90% of your penis-obsessed friends, Scott.


Scott: I guess we'll just have to [bleep].


[audience ohs]


Bill: Well, the other--

Scott: I blame that on "Jerry Springer." I watch it too much.

Doug: Well, he turned the White House into a Hooters, we might as well slap a $10 cover charge on it and break out the buffalo wings. We've got a tabloid President in a tabloid age. Everything comes. We're not living in heroic times.

Bill: That's true.

Doug: There was a time, you know, the Civil War we had like Lincoln. During the '60s, we had produced people like Martin Luther King. I mean, what's our problem right now? You know, that we're yelling, "Hurry up!" in front of microwave ovens? We're just distracted with crap. And we got crap. And then, there's no great issue facing the country right now. There isn't.

Scott: But that's not true. There are issues.

Doug: But not in relation to the rest of history, if you look back on-- but we don't want to accept the fact that everything's okay.

Robert: Our economy's in good shape.

Doug: Yes, and that--

Scott: The borderline's in the economy.

Bill: Yes, and that is one reason why he is skating that. If there was a problem now, if there was a big problem, he probably wouldn't have these high approval ratings. But people are saying, "This is not affecting my life. But I have a job and that is affecting my life."

Doug: I'm making money, you know.

Bill: Right.

Garcelle: He's doing his job.

Bill: But it's amazing the way he, like Houdini, came out of this thing. I mean a week ago they were saying he was going to be impeached. He was going to have to resign.

Doug: Yeah, but Bill, he got a big-- you can't give the State of the Union Address every night. And he got a big venue where he could be Presidential. And he's a brilliant speaker. And I think he's a psychopathic liar. But that's my own opinion. But he's very good as a public speaker. And he had a great venue. And he got a bounce out of that.

Bill: It's not just that. There was three things that came out today. One: they can't get him on perjury 'cause they will not allow the Paula Jones testimony into this thing. There is no witness. They said there was a witness that saw them together. There's no witness. And they didn't find any "Arkansauce" on the dress, so--


Scott: And wait, and you're angry at me for my joke?

Robert: No, they can't get him on perjury. It's not because of Paula Jones. But she is now going to take the fifth, is that not it? If she would have been given protection from Mr. Starr, she would have said something. Then he would have been called on for perjury.

Bill: The immunity talks broke down because she has a very clever lawyer, who I think said to Mr. Starr, "You know what, do whatever you want to do. The American public is not going to let this little girl go to jail after she has served her country in the best way she knew how!"

Doug: That's right!


Bill: Exactly!

Doug: Ask not what this country can do for you, but who you can do for your country!


I own one person in the audience anyway.

Scott: I'm most intrigued by the discussion that oral sex isn't sex because that means that I'm a virgin.


Bill: All right I have to take a commercial before they take me off the air because of you!

[cheers and applause]

Bill: Okay, now, in the paper for the first time today, this Linda Tripp, who started this whole thing, spoke out for the first time and she pretty much characterized the President as a predator and that she was saving Linda-- uh, she was saving Monica. But I think she was Monica's enemy. She's the one who taped her.

Robert: Linda Tripp should be paddled.

Scott: She should be screwed first, then paddled. 'Cause she needs both.

Bill: Yes.


Scott: Now, that's pretty obvious.

Bill: I agree.

Robert: I had a dream last night that Linda Tripp and Paula Jones were walking down the street on Saturday night, just walking down the street, and Charlie Sheen said, "Ugh!"



Garcelle: That's a good one.

Doug: You know, in Linda Tripp's defense, the bottom line is this action. She didn't put Monica Lewinsky in the White House, and she didn't create the situation.

[talking over each other]

Bill: She betrayed a friend and blamed Clinton.

Doug: That's right. But again, you're taking on the President of the United States. She had brought charges earlier and been called a liar by Bob Bennett, "Newsweek" magazine. And if you are a single individual and tackling the most powerful person in the world, you damn well better have tape if you go forward. I would.

[talking over each other]

Doug: So that doesn't mean it didn't happen.

Garcelle: Well, no, I'm not saying it didn't happen, but I think for her to-- I mean, she must have had an agenda for her to have a tape, to go to her house--

Doug: But just because people have agendas doesn't mean the crime didn't happen.

Bill: What crime, man?

Scott: The crime is betraying a friend. I'm sorry, that's a crime.

Doug: Well, here we are, it is "blame the accuser".

Bill: What is the crime? You mentioned a crime.

Doug: Well, again, I don't care about-- my personal--

Bill: What is the crime, sir?

Doug: To me, the crime would be suborning justice, obstruction of justice. I don't care about the affair thing.

Bill: And the justice that we're suborning is that the President--

Doug: Well, for instance if the President asked Vernon Jordan to encourage people to perjure themselves, that's an impeachable offense. The sexual relations I don't care about. That's something between Hillary and Bill and apparently half the women in America.

Bill: Well, obviously, that's--


That is what you care about, because that's where the justice comes in.

Doug: No, no--

Bill: There is no justice if there is no crime. And the crime has to be, then, the crime of the President getting--

Doug: No, again, there are two separate issues.


To me, Bill, I don't care-- again, we've had all--

Bill: You can't separate the issues. That's what everyone's trying to do on your side of it: separate the sex from the obstruction of justice. And that's preposterous.

Doug: Well legally it's not.

Bill: Legally.

Doug: No, it's not. Legally, it's not.

Bill: Right. Legally O.J. is free.

Doug: Well--


You know, that's true.

Bill: That's obstruction of justice.

Garcelle: You mean he should be impeached?


Doug: No, I don't think, I don't think that--

Garcelle: Do you think he could be impeached?

Doug: I don't think that Bill Clinton should be impeached because he gets laid a lot. You know?

[talking over each other]

Robert: He deserves to be--

Doug: Look, again--

Garcelle: He should be impeached from the waist down. He's doing a good job as a President--


But from the waist down, that's a different story.


Robert: That's called "impaled".

Scott: The questions are about his sex life, okay? It's not about stealing something from an office or getting money illegally. It's about your sex life. Who wouldn't lie about their sex life? Well, I wouldn't, but--

Bill: Right.


You're about the only one I know. I bet you Kenneth Starr would lie. If you put Kenneth Starr on the stand and said, "What are you thinking about?"

Doug: Well, he'd have to lie that he had a sex life. But that's a separate issue.

Scott: So he would lie.

Bill: He's probably having sex with his wife and thinking about Monica Lewinsky.


[talking over each other]

Doug: No, listen. Ken Starr, Ken Starr, you know, he didn't want this job either. The guy wanted to be a Supreme Court Justice.

Bill: Oh!

Doug: He didn't! He tried to out of this job half a year ago. He begged to get out of it.

Robert: Then why didn't he leave?

Doug: Because they wouldn't let him leave after the--

Robert: Who wouldn't let him leave?

Doug: The Republican Party and the people-- Janet Reno and the people who appointed him. The guy wanted to be a Supreme Court Justice and he is never gonna be on the Supreme Court.

Robert: No way.

Doug: He did not want this job. And again, he didn't cause all of these incidents. He didn't cause Travelgate, where they used the FBI to investigate--

Bill: No.

Doug: You know, listen-- we have a responsibility--

Bill: The fact that nobody even knows what it is should give you an indication--

Doug: That's our fault.

Bill: It's not!

Doug: It is! The information's available.

Bill: People cared about Watergate. They care about this. They cared about Iran-Contra.

Doug: It's all back to what we talked about earlier. We're fat and lazy as a nation, and we don't want to do our homework as citizens.

Bill: Well--

Doug: The information is there if you want it.


Scott: I've been watching you all week, and you're fully on Clinton's side, et cetera. And I agree with a lot of what you're saying. At the same time, you know-- and you're very upset at Linda Tripp betraying her friend. Now what about this? A guy who denies - whatever, a 12-year affair, 7-year affair - a love affair. Now is that not scum?

Bill: Who are you talking about? Clinton?

Scott: No, Gennifer Flowers. To me, denying a love affair is scum. Okay, that is--

Bill: When you're the President?

Scott: I don't care.

Bill: Get real.

Scott: No, so what about her? So when you're the President, you're allowed to deny. So he's not scum for denying a love affair, and yet she's scum for betraying a friend who she's only known for a year and a half? I think you're being hypocritical.

Bill: That's not hypocritical.

Scott: No, I'm just talking as human beings. I'm sorry, to deny a love affair--

Bill: Anyone who has an affair with a politician knows from the beginning he's not gonna broadcast it, okay? That's just real.

Scott: Okay, at the same time-- But that-- At the same time, you don't think that like means that he's, you know, he's just creepy?

Bill: Leisure suits are creepy, Scott.


Scott: Oh, I see!


Leisure suits are creepy.

Doug: The man's nickname is "The big creep".

Scott: I can't respond to whet like that.

Bill: Oh, I'm sorry. Okay, we'll take a commercial, and we'll towel off.


Nick V.O: Join us Monday when our guests will be Brad Keena, Dennis Prager, Joely Fisher and Coolio.


Bill: All right, with our little time, we couldn't stop talking about this in the break, and what we got around to is why couldn't there be a single President? Then nobody would-- then there would be no crime.

Doug: Well, there have been. You know, James Buchanan and Grover Cleveland were single when they were President.

Bill: They were?

Doug: Yeah, they were single. And we've had widower Presidents. But the bottom line is, is that we have this image--

[Taken from the ABC's Politically Incorrect web page. Credit to Politically Incorrect/HBO Downtown Productions/ABC.]



 Trista Lycosky

<< back to previous page

dave foley bruce mcculloch kevin mcdonald mark mckinney scott thompson shadowy men
the kids in the hall their work their characters fans interact play site credits/contribute
shop site update list news archive home


bruce dave kith kevin shadowy men on a shadowy planet scott mark Site Credits play fans characters work update list archive home home shop home