A Whole Lotta Kids in the Hall

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Scott: Late Night With Conan O'Brien (Dec. 1993?)

Conan: One of the advantages of doing a show like ours is the immediacy. And tonight, we introduce a new feature: Instant TV Movie. Now, think of it. This will allow us to get a first crack at the major story of the day. That's right, the Tonya Harding scandal. Please enjoy.

The Sketch:

Jeff: Conan O'Brien
Tonya: Scott Thompson
Shawn: Andy Richter

[on screen: a residential street shot. Credits:]

"Thin, Thin Ice:
The Tonya Harding Story"

Conan O'Brien
Andy Richter
Scott Thompson
as Tonya Harding

[EXT DAY: A camper sitting in a trailer park.]

[INT DAY: Tonya sits in a poorly decorated living room, on a tacky plaid couch, staring at a black and white headshot of Nancy Kerrigen. The mouth of Nancy's photo has been cut into a hole. Tonya is in full ice-skating attire: blue skating dress, white ice skates and the french braid.]

Tonya: Oh Nancy, I love you so much. You're so nice and everybody likes you. Oh Nancy, you're so pretty-pretty. I wish I were as pretty as you. I wanna *be* as pretty as Nancy. Nancy! Pretty girl. [gets up and stands before the mirror] I'm gonna be pretty. Just like you. Just like Nancy. [starts to put on a lot of red lipstick, smearing it in circles over her lips] Pretty, pretty Nancy. I love you! [glances at picture again and starts ripping it up] I hate you! I hate you! You bitch! You get everything and I get nothing! I *hate* you!!!

[enter Jeff and Shawn. Tonya's mood changes immediately.]

Jeff: Hi, Tonya.

Shawn: Hello, Tonya.

Tonya: Hi, Jeff. Hi, Shaaawn.

Jeff: Hey, Tonya. I got this great idea on how to get rid of Nancy Kerrigan.

Tonya: What do you mean get rid of her? She's my friend. I love her.

Jeff: But, uh yesterday you--you said you wanted to kill her.

Shawn: Yes, I was with the CIA. [uncomfortable and confused pause]

Tonya: That's right. That's right, Shawn. I said "kill her."

Shawn: I'm confused.

Tonya: Kill her now, or it's the thighs for you.

Jeff: No, not the thighs!

Tonya: Yes! Hold him Shawn! [Tonya sits on the couch while Shawn forces Jeff to sit on the floor, between Tonya's thighs.]

Jeff: No!

Tonya: Prove your love for me, big boy! [proceeds to squeeze Jeff's shoulders with her thighs, Jeff screams in pain.]

Jeff: Alright, alright! [they get back up]

Tonya: That's just a little taste of what could happen to you, Jeff.

Jeff: Okay, alright. We'll kill her. We'll kill Nancy.

Tonya: What? Kill Nancy? Don't you lay a hand on her. [picks up another Nancy photo, just like the one she ripped up] I love Nancy. Nancy, pretty girl, thirsty girl. [sets the photo on the other couch, carrying a bottle of YooHoo in the other hand.] Nancy, have some YooHoo. [pours YooHoo through hole where Nancy's mouth should be] Yoo Hoo! Hello. [laughs to herself while Jeff and Shawn stand bewildered]

Shawn: What do we do now? First she says kill her. Then she says she loves her.

Jeff: Why don't we go fifty-fifty? You know? Kind of kill her.

Shawn: Okay.

[spinning news paper, "Daily Press" on screen. Headlines: Kerrigan Hit in Leg: Kind of Killed, But Not Really]

[EXT DAY "Ice Rink," establishing shot]

[INT DAY Tonya is wiping her brow with a towel, standing on an ice rink]

Reporter (off screen): Miss Harding?

[Tonya, looks over, wraps towel around her neck and faux-skates over towards the reporter. She even does a little spin and stop.]

Reporter: Thank you. Miss Harding, what is you reaction to the unfortunate incident involving Nancy Kerrigan?

Tonya: [with slight anger] I have nothing to say about Nancy Kerrigan. [dramatic music plays and Tonya smiles brightly]

[EXT Trailer Park.]

[INT living room. Jeff, Shawn and Tonya are sitting around, watching the news on TV. We can hear the previous clip being played: "I have nothing to say about Nancy Kerrigan" and the same dramatic music. Tonya elbows Jeff with pride.]

Jeff: That was perfect, Tonya. You didn't say nothin'. Right, Shawn?

Shawn: Yeah, perfect. You know, I was a Green Beret for a while.

[Tonya is cracking walnuts between her knees.]

Tonya: Jeff, I'm still not really sure what happened.

Jeff: Don't worry, honey. Dont' worry.

[from the TV: "New reports say that the video tape reveals two men leave the incident. One was heard yelling at the other, 'Let's go call Jeff and Shawn, the guys who hired us.'"]

Jeff: Oh-oh.

Shawn: Jeff, I'm scared.

Tonya: Me too.

Jeff: Guys, guys. Can we just hug one more time, before we sell eachother out?

[group hug]

[spinning newspaper: "Shawn to Talk: May Implicate Jeff"]

[INT Shawn is at a press conference.]

Shawn: Jeff Galooley arranged the whole thing. I was just the mastermind. I have no other comment, except that I was a Navy Seal.

[spinning newspaper: "Jeff to Talk: May Implicate Tonya"]

[INT Jeff is at a press conference.]

Jeff: You know, uh, coming out and implicating Tonya, it really hurts a lot. Well, except the whole getting a lighter sentance part. That's feels good. Oh, excuse me. Uh, wrote a song about it, [reaches for his guitar] in case anyone wants to buy it for money, you know? 'Cause I could sure use the cash. Alright, it goes like this. [singing]

Well, Tonya and me we was in love, y'see.

And now we're goin' to jail.

Tonya and I were like pie in the sky

And Bob Denver and Alan Hale.

[Stops singing. Looks confused. Keeps playing.]

[spinning newspaper: "Tonya to Talk: May Flip Out"]

[INT Tonya is at a press conference.]

Tonya: I hope the Olympic committee will see that have not yet been charged with a crime, and will appreciate the effort and hard work it's taken to get to where I am today: the practice, the plot against Nancy--which was very very hard work-- I--I only did it because I love her. [takes out another Nancy picture] I love her so much. Isn't that right Nancy? Are you hungry, pretty girl? Here, have some lobster thermador. [takes out a plate of lobster with the other hand and sets it on the stand] Oh, no. [takes a bit of lobster and cracks the shell between her thighs. Starts to feed the meat to the hole in the picture]. Yeah, pretty girl.

[spinning newspaper: "Tonya Wins Gold: Everyone is afraid of her"]

[Same street show as opening: "The End"]


The Interview:

Conan: My next guest is a founding member of the Canadian comedy troupe, the Kids in the Hall. Please welcome a very funny man, Scott Thompson.

[music: "Having an Average Weekend"]

[Scott faux-skates over to Conan. Kisses Andy on both cheeks]

Conan: First of all, an excellent Tonya.

Scott: Thanks very much. We ripped the lid off that, didn't we?

Conan: It's about time.

Scott: And wasn't my impersonation spot on?

Conan: It was! This man was looking at tapes all night.

Scott: Oh yeah, for weeks I've been practicing that impersonation. Now did all the, uh, make- up come off? Because, you know, because I don't want anyone to think I'm gay.

Conan: No. Don't worry. Of course not.

Scott: [Scott gives a small scream, looking at his thumb] Well maybe it'll catch on, like Michael Jackson's [censored]--I mean [pauses to think] glove!

Conan: It's about time someone rip the lid off that one too.

Scott: Yeah, yeah. We haven't done enough jokes about that one.

Conan: No, between Tonya and Michael we're hitting all the--

Scott: Yeah, yeah--and Bobbit.

Conan: That's the later part of the show.

Scott: Yes. My advice to him is: get to know your butt.

Conan: [Conan in mild shock] I'm gonna have to have some water. 'Scuse me, just a moment. [takes a sip] Good water. Hey, listen...[Scott picks up his cup] here's to you. I salute you.

Scott: There might be a little more down time than you realize.

Conan: [slightly uncomfortable] So! So, the Kids in the Hall!

Scott: Yeah. The Kids in the Hall.

Conan: No, uh. How many years has it been?

Scott: Well, we've been together for, uh, ten years this November. And, uh--[much applause from audience] Thanks. And, uh, we've been on television, this would be our fifth season on TV.

Conan: Uh, well we're all big fans here. And, you guys, you guys got a nomination for an Emmy. Is that right?

Scott: Yeah we did. We didn't win. But that's the Canadian way of winning: losing. So...

Conan: You went to the Emmy's.

Scott: Yes! I went to the Emmys! Award Show!

Conan: Isn't that enough? You get to go!

Scott: Well, awards shows are what it's all about. Especially for a gay boy like myself. Because, you know why? Because you get to show a little bit of glamour. And I've always felt that, you know, it's not fair to leave it up to the women, that the men should shoulder some of that burden. So I wore a fantastic outfit.

Conan: You didn't just wear a tux?

Scott: Oh no no no no no. No, no. Me and Sinbad don't believe in wearing tuxes. I, uh, wore a, uh, one-piece rubber suit. Well a more PVC, poly-vinyl-chloride. But you wouldn't know that because it's a sub-culture thing. Anyways, and it was, uh, it was a one piece suit with a zipper and it went all the way down here, [mimes the unzipping of a zipper that goes from his neck, below his chin, between his legs and and back up from behind] up to my groin and went back here. Well I wanted to give Angela Landsbury something to play with in case I was up on stage. I wore a leather vest, these boots [black biker boots] and I died my hair platinum.

Conan: Really?

Scott: Yes.

Conan: Now how did this go over? You show up at the ceremnoy, your dressed like a radial tire and, uh...

Scott: Well, I mean, I got out of my stretched limo, and, you know, the huge applause, the flash bulbs--But the difference is, is that everbody's yelling, "Who are you?! Are you one of Heidi's girls?! Who are you?" So, that takes you down a peg or two.

Conan: Just a little.

Scott: Yeah.

Conan: And then you, you get inside, no problem?

Scott: I get inside. No problem. The cameras never come once, which is a bit of a problem. It's always on Leeza, Leeza, Leeza. So and then, and then--but you know, the nice thing was, I only wanted to get on ET, right? That's all I really cared about. That's all I really still care about, and--because I love Leeza--and on ET or CNN or one of the other ones that, that, that showed me, they identified me as either just some rent boy or they identified me as, uh, Brandon Cruz. The little boy from "The Courtship of Eddie's Father" all grown up.

Conan: All grown up. Brandon Cruz know that you're going around impersonating him?

Scott: Yeah, I hope so. It's, uh, the least I could do for his career. His is maybe a little worse than mine.

Conan: Uh-huh. No, but there's, uh, openings for you. I mean you could, uh--

Scott: Well, I was hoping to host the Oscars.

Conan: Oh, well. I'm sure that'll be no problem.

Scott: That's sort of why I'm here. I'm, I'm basically auditioning to host the Oscars. Because Billy's got a little bit of strept throat. Because basically I wanna host the Oscars so that, in the event that Tom, uh, Hanks wins for "Philidelphia," I can just grab it and run off with it.

Conan: Now wh--?

Scott: Or hire a [--?--] to take it from him.

Conan: Now why would you wanna do that?

Scott: Well, he doesn't deserve it. Sorry. It's that, for me, "Philidelphia" is like finally gays people's own "Color Purple." It's "Malcolm X" with a white guy.

Conan: Uh huh.

Scott: And uh, I just, uhhhh, think that his performance sucked. And I will do everything in my power to make sure he doesn't win the coveted Oscar.

Conan: You think that he--

Scott: Even if I have to host it, beat him to death with the statuette.

Conan: Now--

Scott: This is a faggot [motions to self].

Conan: Now, uh, you think it's because he's not gay? That he should be played--

Scott: No. No, that's not it at all. That's not it at all because I've played--

Conan: You think a heterosexual could play a homosexual?

Scott: Absolutely. Absolutely. I've played straight guys, girls, everything. That's not the point. The point is he didn't do it well. It was politically correct. It was so courteous. That's what I found so [thinks and laughs at himself] bad. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

Conan: Well, no.

Scott: I prefer, I prefer the guy in "Silence of the Lamb." You know, I--

Conan: Anthony Hopkins?

Scott: No, no, the killer with the skin dress.

Conan: Oh him! Oh! Well that's--

Scott: I mean, I thought "Basic Instinct" rocked. I mean I just identify with a dyke with an ice pick. [mocks charging Andy with an ice pick] Arrrgh!

Conan: You should, uh, you should be included in the Siskel and Ebert show.

Scott: Yeah I think so.

Conan: They should have a chair for you.

Scott: But I mean, that's the big thing in Hollywood. The nice thing is they're making more movies about it. You know, they made "Six Degrees of Seperation." But the funny thing is, about that is that I loved the movie and I really enjoyed the kiss that, that Wil had with, uh, Anthony Michael Hall. But then, I read that it was a stunt double. Oh, that hurts. You see, what I read was that Denzel Washington came, I think Wil called Denzel and said, "I'm playing a gay guy. What am I supposed to do?" And Denzel said, quote, "Don't you be kissin' no man." But the way I heard it is that Denzel gave Wil a big [kisses his own palm] kiss, and he looks him deeply in the eyes and he says, "Don't you be kissin' no man like *that*." That's the way it really went down.

Conan: You will be sued by nine people tomorrow.

Scott: Why? Calling someone gay is not libelous.

Conan: Ah, good point. No, but, um--Oh. Oh I'm all a-flutter. [Scott grabs Conan's hand in reassurance] Ah, thank you, thank you. [To audience] Alright, we're gonna be right back. [To Scott] Listen, thank you very much. You're gonna stick around and--[music swells, Conan turns back to camera and yells] We're gonna be right back with Kristi Yamaguchi!

[after break]

Conan: Alright. [to Scott] You changed during the commercial break.

Scott: Well, people need glamour. [Scott is now wearing the Emmy outfit he described earlier. He stands up to audience cheers, unzips his zipper to his crotch, zips it back up and struts around.]

Conan: Alright sit down. We must continue the show.

Scott: I happened to have the outfit back there.

Conan: Yeah, sure you did.

Scott: [--?--] ring.

Conan: Quiet! My next guest won a 1992 Olympic gold medal for figure skating. Currently she's touring with the "Discover Card Stars On Ice" benefitting the Make-a-Wish Foundation. Let's take a look at this clip. [Clip] Please welcome Kristi Yamaguchi.

[I'm sick of typing now, so I'm only transcribing parts of her interview, in which Scott actually spoke.]

[Conan asks her what she thinks about the Tonya Harding scandal and the sketch they did earlier.]

Kristi: From the beginning it was pretty shocking. As the whole thing unfolds, it's even more unbelievable. But, uh, it's fun to see people having fun with it. Let's get away from the--[Scott taps her and she turns. Then he taps her knee, in mock attack.]

Conan: That is not--[Scott has started to attack Andy's knee] Now I, I, I should explain--I should explain, uh, Scott--

Kristi: [to Scott] You're great, Scott--

Conan: Scott, you're a huge figure skating fanatic.

Scott: Oh, massive. Yeah, yeah. I, I wanted to be a figure skater. But my father wanted me to be a hockey player. So, I'm Canadian, so I had no choice.

Conan: Oh. Well, no. [to Kristi, motioning to Scott] Would you wear something like this on the ice?

Kristi: Well, sure. Why not?

Scott: Men's outfits are more like this.

[They start talking about Kristi's gold medal. And, to Conan's surprise, she keeps it in a bank, rather than opting to wear it on a regualr basis.]

Conan: I would, I'm sorry. But [to Scott and Andy] wouldn't you guys, if you had a gold medal?

Scott & Andy: Oh, yeah. [various ways of affriming]

Conan: I would wear it.

Scott: I hope to wear Tom Hanks' Oscar around me [motioning a swinging Oscar around his neck] on a chain.

Conan: Leave the man alone!

[Kristi is talking about the various areas in which she performs]

Scott: Is there a lot of slush in the south? I hear the ice is really bad. [she nods]

Conan: You don't have to talk to him if you don't want to.

Scott: She wants to!

[Conan brings up the fact that Kristi was on a cereal box, one of his fantasies. He takes out a prop box witha picture of himself really enjoying a bowl of "Conie-O's."]

Conan: [to Scott] Yes? You have a question? One more quick question from the gallery.

Scott: When I was very little, I was lost for two weeks and I was on a milk carton.

Conan: [To Kristi] Don't you love this show? Isn't this a great show? [To Scott] No, that's true. That's terrific.

Scott: That's where I got the fame bug.

[Conan wraps up show, credits role. Scott and Andy play patti-cakes while Conan continues talking to Yamaguchi.]



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