A Whole Lotta Kids in the Hall

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Dave: Late Night with Conan O'Brien (April 12, 1996)

[Bill's note: As you read this, remember that just about everything Dave says is heavily inflected with sarcasm and irony, in the way he does best.]

Conan: You can see my next guest each Sunday on "NewsRadio" right here on NBC. Starting today you can see him in the new Kids in the Hall movie "Brain Candy". Let's welcome a good friend of ours: Dave Foley!

[Dave enters to "Kids in the Hall" theme music]

Dave: Thank you very much.

Conan: God, you match the seat perfectly. [Dave is wearing a blue suit the same shade as the guest chair]

Dave: I blend in.

Conan: This was really thoughtful of you! Look at this!

Dave: This way, if there are any predators in the audience, I'm safe.

Conan: If there's a Bengal tiger in the audience...

Dave: You guys are doomed. I'll just be here very still.

Conan: This is almost creepy.

Dave: I know. I wasn't planning that.

Conan: There's a piece of material missing from the back of this. You cheap bastard! Alright, anyway...

Dave: First, before we go on. I want to ask you guys a favor. As thrilled as I always am to hear the "Kids in the Hall" theme... it's something we did for a very long time... I want to start planning for my future in show business and I think it would be great if this could be the first show where we do this: I would like for the theme that I'm introduced to from now on be "Thanks For the Memories".

Conan: Now wait a minute. That's the theme Bob Hope is famous for.

Dave: I don't think Bob Hope is really using it that much any more. I want to get in there before some other young comic jumps in there and starts using it.

Conan: So you want this to become your theme.

Dave: I want "Thanks For the Memories" to be my theme from now on and I'm sure Bob Hope won't mind.

Conan: All right, well, he might, but...

Dave: Who cares? What's he going to do to me?

Conan: He can't find you in this chair! No one can find you in that chair.

Dave: Can I come out again? And this can be the big entrance. I think you'll like the difference.

[Dave exits]

Conan: Should I do the intro again? All right, you can see my next guest on "NewsRadio" on NBC and starting today you can see him in the new Kids in the Hall movie "Brain Candy", Dave Foley!

[Dave enters to "Thanks for the Memories"]

Conan: Wait a minute, why do you have to act like an ass to that theme? What's all this? [imitates Dave]

Dave: Conan, It's something intrinsic to the music.

Conan: I don't know, well, let's talk about big show business news... your movie. You've never had a movie before.

Dave: No, I've never had a movie. It's the Kids in the Hall motion picture.

Conan: That's great. You've just had a big premiere for this, with search lights and the red carpet?

Dave: Yes, well, it was in Toronto. There were no search lights, no red carpet, just one guy with a camera, and we think he wasn't supposed to be there. But we did have the big premiere, and it was in Toronto.

Conan: So I would think your parents must be thrilled.

Dave: I invited my parents to the film, and I guess they were thrilled. My mum is English. "Hey mom, we've got a big movie coming out!" [impersonating his mother's voice which sounds a lot like "Bobby's mother"] "That's nice."

Conan: Really? That's the highest level of excitement?

Dave: Like, "Wow, we have a baby!" "Good for you." The English don't fuss.

Conan: On to other things. Speaking of the TV show, "NewsRadio", it's quite successful, and you actually are the Kid in the Hall who's gone Hollywood. You live in Hollywood, you do a TV show for America....

Dave: At this point, the distinction is not just that I live there, it's that I've *gone* Hollywood. I'm a great big Hollywood jerk.

Conan: Really? You've become a jerk?

Dave: Yeah. It's great!

Conan: Tell us more about it.

Dave: It's just sort of me and Dick Clark and George Hamilton hanging out together. Of course, I've got my bridge game at the Hillcrest every Thursday. Since George left, God bless, there's a seat open.

Conan: So you have in fact become an ass...

Dave: Yeah! And it is so liberating.

Conan: You feel much better now, don't you?

Dave: Oh yes. I'm finally at peace with myself.

Conan: Good for you. Now where do you actually live? Because I used to live in Los Angeles. Where do you live? Do you actually live in Hollywood?

Dave: I won't give out the actual address...

Conan: I want the exact address, and then we'll put up a Chyron on the screen so that people know where it is.

Dave: I'm actually living right in West Hollywood, right at Sunset and Fairfax district, about half a block up from Sunset, which is nice, kind of comforting because there's always at least seven hookers on my corner, so it's kind of a greeting party when I come home... Hey Dave!

Conan: How was your day? It's like having a doorman. Very nice.

Dave: Except the doormen have very short spandex shorts. Which is fairly common in New York, isn't it?

Conan: The better buildings you can get into. Let's talk about something we have to address. A lot of Kids in the Hall fans will be tuning in tonight to see what you say about this. Some of the fans are angry with you.

Dave: Yes.

Conan: Whether you're aware of it or not. They blame you, do they not, or somehow think you're responsible for maybe the Kids in the Hall's breaking up?

Dave: Yeah, there's a lot of that. I made the mistake of buying a modem for my computer, so I could go online and find out just how much people are angry with me.

Conan: What kind of things are they writing?

Dave: There's this Kids In the Hall newsgroup and it's pretty much the titles of things are like: "That Bastard Dave", "I Hate Dave", "Hating That Bastard Dave."

Conan: This is a variation on a theme.

['s note: If you're thinking about asking about this topic in the newsgroup, please read this first.]

Dave: It's like a thread going through, so yeah, they're very upset. Actually, I guess I should explain, we all just quit, we all just sort of quit the show because for one thing it was turning us all into very old men in the hall.

Conan: I notice a touch of grey around the temples.

Dave: I'm getting a little grey. It's like turning into Stewart Grainger. [no response from audience] Um, no one's seen old movies, huh? All right...

Conan: It's turning you into Dweezil & Ahmet Zappa.

Dave: There! OK, there's a kid's reference.

Conan: No, that didn't work either. Well, we're really screwed now, Dave!

Dave: Let me try a new theme. Let me try the Addams Family theme.

Conan: Sing a TV theme, everyone will be overjoyed. Actually, we have a Brain Candy clip.

Dave: And, I was with the Kids in the Hall last night at the premiere, and we're all getting along fine, Kids on the Internet, relax! We're friends! So yeah, we're going to show the clip?

Conan: You get to set up a clip. This is like a real Hollywood thing to do.

Dave: Even if I don't need to set it up, I'm going to because I've never set up a clip before. It's like a show biz baptism. This is a scene, Scott is playing a woman who is severely depressed and they're trying to help her and this is her memory of her happiest moment so they're trying to tap into her happiest memory to cheer her up.

Conan: Wait a minute, Scott was on the other night, and he showed the exact same clip!

Dave: Yeah? [defensive] So it's the only good scene in the movie.

Conan: Thank you for being so honest with us. Let's take a look right now at the only good scene from "Brain Candy".

[show clip]

Very fine clip. I enjoyed it more the second time. "NewsRadio" Sundays at 8:30 on NBC and "Brain Candy" at theatres now. I've seen the movie, tons of great scenes, it's a great movie. Congratulations on everything. Come back and visit us sometime.

[go to commercial]

[Later in the show, Conan and a wine expert are demonstrating how to make wine by crushing grapes with your feet. Dave gamely joins Conan and Andy by rolling up his suit pants, taking off his shoes and socks, and getting in the vat with them. At one point he says...]

Dave: I actually am suffering from Toxic Foot Disorder.



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