A Whole Lotta Kids in the Hall

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The Kids

by Trista Lycosky, 1995

Note: This was originally posted on in 1995. I just corrected some of my spelling errors. I completely forgot about it until Sarah reposted it this year. Thanks Sarah :o)

(Read in the rhythm of "The Doors")

Hey man, listen up--
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret--
You know that new season of "Exit 57"?--
It sucks!
That new season of "The State"?
It sucks!
That new "SheTV" season?
I don't know if there is one, but if there is--
It sucks!
I can say this--
'Cos I know--
'Cos I'm--
A "Kids" fan!

'N you know, if you wanna be a "Kids in the Hall" fan--
You know what?--
You might already be one--
And you don't even know it, you know?--
Sorta like getting fat--
"One day you wake up and your pants suddenly don't fit anymore."
You see-
"Kids" fans aren't made--
They're born.
I bet right now--
In the U.S.--
There's a teenage boy--
Dressed in drag while watching TV--
He's one.
Or an old lady--
On a bus--
"Crushing heads"--
She's a Cabbagehead--
And she doesn't even know it--
I do, 'cos I'm--
A "Kids" fan.

And if you wanna be a "Kids" fan--
Don't just go buy their "Best of" tape, either--
"Best of. . ." tapes are for 30 Helens and a young boy named Gavin.
If you wanna be a "Kids" fan--
You gotta do it right--
It's very scientific--
You gotta watch "Dr. Seuss Bible"--
It's in episode 120--
But really--
It's in their first--
We call it the "screw you censors" departure point.

Ok, quick quiz--
Who's Cathy?
Two Cathys (or Kathies if you prefer)--
That's right--
The "Kids" had two Cathys--
You see--
Monty Python had dead parrots--
Don't let that scare you--
Let that liberate you--
'Cos when you're surfing channels to find the "Kids"--
You don't need no safety net!
If you just scream--
"Viva les Enfants dans la Corridor!!"--
Loud enough for your landlord to start--
Thumpin' on the wall--
You might be--
In Quebec or France--
And you might be--
A "Kids" fan.

There's one way to know for absolute sure--
Watch a beta tape of the HBO pilot with Buddy Cole's first monologue--
There's only a few in existence--
Then steal a woman's wig--
Even if you are a woman--
Steal a wig--
Put that wig on, and don't cut the tag off--
When the pilot ends--
Go out and go to the nearest bank--
And start to make a withdrawal--
Or a deposit--
Or possibly even open an account--
And wait to find your sister, Jerry Sizzler.
Afterwards, flee to the "Pit of Ultimate Darkness"--
And look, like two clearly insane people,--
For Lex and Dean--
When you start "wondering about Tony--
"Wondering where he is--
"Who he is with"--
Seek out "Shadowy Men On A Shadowy Planet"--
And if as you're standing there--
Listening to "Terriers", "The Daves I Know", and "Bim Bam Baby"--
You can still hear--
"Having An Average Weekend"--
My friend--
You will have become--
A "Kids" fan!--
You wanna know how I know?
You wanna know who told me?
Well, last year--
Paul "Fuckin'" Bellini told me--
That's who!!
He came to me--
'Cos I'm a "Kids" fan--
I'm a "Kids" fan, man!--
I love their show!--
I like the "Kids."

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