KITHfan.org: A Whole Lotta Kids in the Hall

<< back to previous page

The Kids

by Trista Lycosky, 1995

Note: This was originally posted on alt.tv.kids-in-hall in 1995. I just corrected some of my spelling errors. I completely forgot about it until Sarah reposted it this year. Thanks Sarah :o)

(Read in the rhythm of "The Doors")

Hey man, listen up--
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret--
You know that new season of "Exit 57"?--
It sucks!
That new season of "The State"?
It sucks!
That new "SheTV" season?
I don't know if there is one, but if there is--
It sucks!
I can say this--
'Cos I know--
'Cos I'm--
A "Kids" fan!

'N you know, if you wanna be a "Kids in the Hall" fan--
You know what?--
You might already be one--
And you don't even know it, you know?--
Sorta like getting fat--
"One day you wake up and your pants suddenly don't fit anymore."
You see-
"Kids" fans aren't made--
They're born.
I bet right now--
In the U.S.--
There's a teenage boy--
Dressed in drag while watching TV--
He's one.
Or an old lady--
On a bus--
"Crushing heads"--
She's a Cabbagehead--
And she doesn't even know it--
I do, 'cos I'm--
A "Kids" fan.

And if you wanna be a "Kids" fan--
Don't just go buy their "Best of" tape, either--
"Best of. . ." tapes are for 30 Helens and a young boy named Gavin.
If you wanna be a "Kids" fan--
You gotta do it right--
It's very scientific--
You gotta watch "Dr. Seuss Bible"--
It's in episode 120--
But really--
It's in their first--
We call it the "screw you censors" departure point.

Ok, quick quiz--
Who's Cathy?
Huh?
Two Cathys (or Kathies if you prefer)--
That's right--
The "Kids" had two Cathys--
You see--
Monty Python had dead parrots--
Don't let that scare you--
Let that liberate you--
'Cos when you're surfing channels to find the "Kids"--
You don't need no safety net!
If you just scream--
"Viva les Enfants dans la Corridor!!"--
Loud enough for your landlord to start--
Thumpin' on the wall--
You might be--
In Quebec or France--
Oh--
And you might be--
A "Kids" fan.

There's one way to know for absolute sure--
Watch a beta tape of the HBO pilot with Buddy Cole's first monologue--
There's only a few in existence--
Then steal a woman's wig--
Even if you are a woman--
Steal a wig--
Put that wig on, and don't cut the tag off--
When the pilot ends--
Go out and go to the nearest bank--
And start to make a withdrawal--
Or a deposit--
Or possibly even open an account--
And wait to find your sister, Jerry Sizzler.
Afterwards, flee to the "Pit of Ultimate Darkness"--
And look, like two clearly insane people,--
For Lex and Dean--
Then--
When you start "wondering about Tony--
"Wondering where he is--
"Who he is with"--
Seek out "Shadowy Men On A Shadowy Planet"--
And if as you're standing there--
Listening to "Terriers", "The Daves I Know", and "Bim Bam Baby"--
You can still hear--
"Having An Average Weekend"--
Then--
My friend--
You will have become--
A "Kids" fan!--
You wanna know how I know?
You wanna know who told me?
Well, last year--
Paul "Fuckin'" Bellini told me--
That's who!!
He came to me--
'Cos I'm a "Kids" fan--
I'm a "Kids" fan, man!--
Man?--
I love their show!--
I like the "Kids."

<< back to previous page

webring link traders fan fiction fan art
the kids in the hall their work their characters fans interact play site credits/contribute
shop site update list news archive home

 

webring fan fiction fans fan art link traders interact site credits play characters work the kith update list archive home home shop home