A Whole Lotta Kids in the Hall

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The Thief (or the dim husband)

by Renee Messick


  • Wife: Dave
  • Husband: Bruce
  • Thief: Mark
(Couple lying in bed. Both lights on and reading)

Wife: I was thinking we should go on a nice vacation. Maybe a cruise. What do you think dear?

Husband: I'm tired. Turn off your light.

Wife: Yes, dear.

(He kisses her on the cheek turns off his light and lays down closing his eyes. Wife turns her light off and begins to settle in when a crashing sound is heard)

Wife: Honey I think someone is downstairs (turns on her light)

Husband: Then why don't you go down and investigate?

Wife: Well...Alright (Pulls her covers back and gets up)

Husband: Oh hon, turn off your light.

(Cut To the wife creeping down the stairs Low sounds of movement are heard. The outline of the burglar is apparent.)

Wife: Hello?

(she finds a light switch revealing the thief, and her baseball bat)

(The thief apparently goes for his own weapon but stops and takes a good look at her. She does the same to him. She drops her baseball bat and rushes to him. They embrace)

(fade out then fade in to husband and wife in bed. a crashing sound is heard and the wife looks overjoyed.)

Wife: Oh dear what was that?

Husband: Probably just the cat.

Wife: I think I'll go investigate.

(Cut to husband in bed alone. He gets up)

Husband: Thirsty..

(Husband stumbles down the stairs. The living room is nearly empty except for a couch. You see the thief and wife kissing. the husband passes by them without a word. Then he walks back a few moments later)

Husband: Good night honey.

Wife: Good night....dear.

(Cut to Husband talking to a cop. House completely empty of furniture or anything else)

Cop: Sir, you've been reporting missing items from your house for three weeks. Now your wife is gone and so is your furniture. You're telling me you didn't notice any strange behavior?

Husband: No no no.

(Cut to a flashback of him passing his wife as she kisses the thief. Then cut to wife getting up to investigate strange sounds- repeated twice more in different outfits.)

Husband: I just had no idea.

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