- Dave- Dr. Shaw
- Bruce- Ted
- Mark- Nurse
- Scott- The Hospital Clown/Buddy Cole
- Kevin- Sergant
IN: HOSPITAL ROOM
lies on a bed while Dr. Shaw comes in.]
Shaw: Well, surgery is over, how do you feel, Ted?
I'm fine, Dr. Shaw! I feel like I could jump over a lake!
Shaw: GREAT! Because the surgery was not a success. Well,
[Dr. Shaw starts to leave]
WHAT! Come back here!
Shaw: What do you want?
What do you mean by the surgery wasn't a success?
Shaw: Well, before I operate, I like to get, like, REEEEALLY
LOADED and, uh...well, it's a funny story but, we put some new
diseases in your body.
WHAT THE HECK?!?
Shaw: Sorry, most of the time, noone is affected.
How many did you put in?
Shaw: The usual....asthma, some blood diseases, some diseases
that'll give you constant diarheea for like, 8 years.
Please tell me this is a joke.
Shaw: It's a joke!
Really! Great, you had me really think that you put diseases in
Shaw: We did.
LOOK! I could...could die!
Shaw: Well, your loss. Bye.
[Dr. Shaw starts to leave and a nurse comes in.]
Come back here!
Shaw: Oh, this is your nurse.
Shaw: Have fun, bye.
Now, I'm going to put some doses of Jam in your body.
[She injects it into Ted's arm]
A mix of every illicit drug.
DAAAAAH! I'm gonna die!
And here's something else for you.
[A clown bursts throught the wall and starts singing and dancing]
Clown: You are sick/ Very, Very sick/ and you're death is
near/Here have some poison beer. [Squirts poison beer into Ted's
[Then a sergant comes in.]
GET DOWN ON ALL 4's SON!
I can't. I'm in bed.
Then have some window cleaner.[Pours a massive dose of window
cleaner into Ted's mouth]
AHHHHHHHH! [Camera freezes and then goes to Buddy's bar]
Cole is sitting on a stool drinking a martini]
I personnally wanted to be in this sketch. I wanted to be the
hospital clown but they gave him to Scott, he's adorable. Anyway,
Ted did not die until his diarhea time ran out. I have his body
on display here. See.[Camera shows Ted's body hanging from a stick]
Everyone in the hospital now are work in a donut shop. Except
for Dr. Shaw...Little Trubadoor come here.
[Dr. Shaw comes out in spandex with chains on his hands and ankles]
["Build Me Up Buttercup" plays as the camera freezes on Buddy