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Bad Hospital

by Jeremy

Cast-

  • Dave- Dr. Shaw
  • Bruce- Ted
  • Mark- Nurse
  • Scott- The Hospital Clown/Buddy Cole
  • Kevin- Sergant

FADE IN: HOSPITAL ROOM

[Ted lies on a bed while Dr. Shaw comes in.]

Dr. Shaw: Well, surgery is over, how do you feel, Ted?

Ted: I'm fine, Dr. Shaw! I feel like I could jump over a lake!

Dr. Shaw: GREAT! Because the surgery was not a success. Well, Bye.

[Dr. Shaw starts to leave]

Ted: WHAT! Come back here!

Dr. Shaw: What do you want?

Ted: What do you mean by the surgery wasn't a success?

Dr. Shaw: Well, before I operate, I like to get, like, REEEEALLY LOADED and, uh...well, it's a funny story but, we put some new diseases in your body.

Ted: WHAT THE HECK?!?

Dr. Shaw: Sorry, most of the time, noone is affected.

Ted: How many did you put in?

Dr. Shaw: Oh....about...50.

Ted: Which ones?!?

Dr. Shaw: The usual....asthma, some blood diseases, some diseases that'll give you constant diarheea for like, 8 years.

Ted: Please tell me this is a joke.

Dr. Shaw: It's a joke!

Ted: Really! Great, you had me really think that you put diseases in me.

Dr. Shaw: We did.

Ted: LOOK! I could...could die!

Dr. Shaw: Well, your loss. Bye.

[Dr. Shaw starts to leave and a nurse comes in.]

Ted: Come back here!

Dr. Shaw: Oh, this is your nurse.

Nurse: Hi.

Dr. Shaw: Have fun, bye.

[He leaves]

Nurse: Now, I'm going to put some doses of Jam in your body.

[She injects it into Ted's arm]

Ted: What's jam?

Nurse: A mix of every illicit drug.

Ted: DAAAAAH! I'm gonna die!

Nurse: And here's something else for you.

[A clown bursts throught the wall and starts singing and dancing]

Hospital Clown: You are sick/ Very, Very sick/ and you're death is near/Here have some poison beer. [Squirts poison beer into Ted's mouth]

Ted: QUIT IT!

[Then a sergant comes in.]

Sergant: GET DOWN ON ALL 4's SON!

Ted: I can't. I'm in bed.

Sergant: Then have some window cleaner.[Pours a massive dose of window cleaner into Ted's mouth]

Ted: AHHHHHHHH! [Camera freezes and then goes to Buddy's bar]

BUDDY'S BAR

[Buddy Cole is sitting on a stool drinking a martini]

Buddy: I personnally wanted to be in this sketch. I wanted to be the hospital clown but they gave him to Scott, he's adorable. Anyway, Ted did not die until his diarhea time ran out. I have his body on display here. See.[Camera shows Ted's body hanging from a stick] Everyone in the hospital now are work in a donut shop. Except for Dr. Shaw...Little Trubadoor come here.

[Dr. Shaw comes out in spandex with chains on his hands and ankles]

Buddy: Bad Boy.

["Build Me Up Buttercup" plays as the camera freezes on Buddy laughing.]

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