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Camp Sadistawa

by Laura Clark

Cast-

  • Dave- Counselor #1 (Bob)
  • Bruce- Counselor #2 (Bill)
  • Kevin- Counselor #3 (Mike)
  • Mark- Boss of above
  • Scott- Lunchlady Edith

[Show the sign outside: Camp Sadistawa Followed by the slogan "You'll have fun-really, we promise!"]

[Inside, the counselors sit cross-legged in a circle, except Mark, who is holding a pointer to a display board.]

Mark: So you see, we've run into a dual problem-we're running out of powder for the bug juice...

[Kevin smacks a mosquito on his leg and offers it to Mark, who gives him a 'look' and Kevin slowly lowers his arm.]

Mark (CONT'D): and our arts and crafts section has run out of toilet paper rolls, which we fully relied on.

Dave: Why don't we get some rolls from paper towels and just cut them?

[All turn and stare, like in the "Dipping Areas" when he suggested losing the chocolate dusting.]

Dave (CONT'D): Sorry, sorry. I wasn't thinking.

Bruce: Why don't we just buy more bug juice powder?

Mark: [mock sincerity] Oh gee! Why didn't I think of that? Why did I bother to call this meeting in the first place? We-don't-have-any-money!

Kevin: But maybe we would if SOMEONE hadn't taken the kids caviar swimming!

[All turn and stare at Bruce.]

Bruce: Look, I said I was sorry! The little tykes asked me to fill the pool with caviar! They said fish eggs would heighten the "swimming experience!" How do you say no to a little face looking up at you, so full of hope and innocence?

Dave: Yeah...or to a little hand, squeezing yours for all it's worth, just making sure you won't let go...

Mark: [lustfully] Or to a little butt, just...[grunts, then remembers where he is] Huh? Anyway, yes, we don't have money, but let's not point fingers, eh? The point is, the only way we can get enough toilet paper rolls is by using all our toilet paper, and that would take weeks. See, if you look here...

Kevin: I'VE GOT IT! I've got a way to kill two birds with one...

Mark: Hey! Let's show some respect for our dear departed friends, Tweety and Tiki! [Show an empty birdcage with a big black bow on the front-an empty bird swing swings back and forth dramatically, like in movies when "the children are missing" and the empty swing blows in the wind.]

Dave: [looking down] Throwing stars seemed like SUCH a good way to teach the kids about martial arts.

Kevin: I'll be right back- I'm gonna go talk to Lunchlady Edith.

[Cut to-THE NEXT DAY. Dave and Bruce are talking outside the door.]

Bruce: So did Mike's plan work?

Dave: [Holding up laundry basket full of toilet paper rolls] Like a charm!

[A few kids come up and deposit some toilet paper rolls into the basket. Cut back to Scott, spooning stuff into cups again.]

Scott: Come on! Bug juice, kiddos!

[A close-up reveals that the stuff being spooned into the cups is an orange-flavored high fiber laxative.]

Kid: Can I have seconds? This is the best bug juice ever!

Scott: Of course! Have as much as ya like! The old folks home is mighty generous with this crap...er... here you go! Next!

[As it fades, the camera pans across the room to a long line of kids waiting to use the bathroom.]

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